Things I’ll never do in my garden
Ah gentle readers, don’t do this to the garden design you so truly love. I’ve visited two flower shows in the last few weeks and there is a plague let loose on the land. With the popularization of the garden as indoor/outdoor room – an extension of the house kind of thing, we have a serious influx of really, really bad garden design.
It used to be that a person couldn’t really make a garden design mistake if you simply added a scad of flowers. Put enough blooms in there and anything looks good. Oh yeah, there are designs and then again there are great designs
Now what we have is interior designers creating garden designs. Wunnerful, wunnerful as that famous old band leader would exclaim. Bad interior decorators think they can decorate gardens too.
Here are a few shots of garden designs that will never grace my garden and I hope never to see the light of day in yours.
And if you think that upside down legs stuck in the garden and fake flowers are cool. Don’t tell me, I’m under the illusion that my readers have taste. 
Similarly if you think that running a string of Christmas lights along a fence top is going to give you points in the garden design competition, think again. At least hide them and the cord behind something if you feel you need the Christmas-look in the garden.
And what’s with the silk flowers? I saw as many silk poinsettia at Christmas as I did real ones. And now, I’m seeing them at flower shows. Silk flowers are flower shows! Silk flowers belong in home shows, in department store shows, in hotel lobbies where they can’t be bothered to care for the real thing – but in a flower show? C’mon people. Yes, they look “just like a real one” but unless you spray them with perfume, what’s the point? And even then, doesn’t make sense to me.
The first time somebody used flowers in boots, it was innovative and “cute”. Now that every cottage in the world has a pair of boots on the dock or deck, it’s no longer cute – it’s boring. And for heaven’s sake, use old boots; don’t waste a pair of good new ones. This just isn’t cute anymore.
One unique thing I’ve never seen before is somebody epoxying a china teacup to a copper pipe, then sticking it in the ground. Not only that, but silver tea trays were accorded the same level of dignity. It only left me asking, “Why?”
And finally, last but not least, the paragon of garden design choice, I give you the nylon butterfly. The advantage to this kind of butterfly is that it never turns into a caterpillar to eat your garden but the disadvantage is that it never alights on your shoulder in a quiet moment. I’m willing to put up with the rarity of the latter to avoid the convenience of the former.
Huzzah to no more garden boots! I agree with EVERYTHING here emphatically. The tea cup thing is just strange. The legs in the dirt interesting, perhaps, if the garden had a macabre theme to it. Still, give me real flowers and butterflies any day. My greatest fear is, now that I’m a gardener gardener, I’ll get crappy gardeny gifts.
You probably wouldn’t like my cement earth worm.
Deb – not in my garden.
The important thing to remember in every bit of garden design advice is that it is only that – “advice”. My main bit of advice – is now, has been and always will be – is that every gardener has to ignore design advice and do what makes sense to them. Love your own garden – your way.
Having said that – if you look at, or visit great, timeless gardens – you won’t find too many nylon butterflies or silk flowers.
I’d rather have my garden looking more natural. I just don’t get the pont of the tea cup on the pole. The Madhatter’s party for Alice in Wonderland? I agree on the silk flowers. There’s a house that we drive fairly regularly by that has had orange flowers in one of their beds since summer. Odd how they can still be flowering through 30 degree winter weather. It just looks unnatural!
Hi Dave. In a garden show setting, designers often take things over the top just because .. well, because they’re designers and this gives them the chance to push the boundaries of what a garden is. So we see upside down legs (not in my garden though) The t-cups and silver plates were in the sales area. Didn’t see anybody walking around with one or I would have asked “Why?” And silk. I agree, that’s just tacky in a garden and even more so in a flower show. (but ask me what I really think)
I agree VERY much .. isn’t a garden supposed to be a GARDEN … not an extension, of that most beloved phrase from some people, of your living space ..
NOT !! .. if I wanted my garden to have living room furniture .. I think I would stop gardening .. how some people do that amazes me .. we are supposed to be enjoying nature .. not a furniture display/show .. can you tell I’m peeved at those designs ? LOL
I’ll bet you and Felder Rushing could have (or have had) some interesting conversations… LOL
Felder and I haven’t talked in a dog’s age.
My loss.
The tea cup on a post/pipe/rod makes a cute bird feeder during the non-rainy season. It also makes a cute birdbath/water hole in the rainy season. For heaven’s sake, lighten up! ;>) But then, these comments are coming from someone who has been labeled “Delightfully tacky yet unrefined.”
What do you tell your family/friends that keep giving you chuchkaas (ornaments) for your garden that you hate. Then…. they come over and wonder where they are and you have to come up with some excuse that you broke it or someone stole it. I don’t have anything in my garden of my own choice. I know, quit being a people pleaser. The craze for decorating outside is going to continue to be a problem. I hate to say it but stores that sell the stuff are mostly to blame. Doug, have a tacky garden photo contest. I judged Front Yards in Bloom two years ago and was shocked at what people entered such as a yard full of barnyard cows and nursery rhyme statues.
Anyone ever seen a picture of the lady’s yard [somewhere in the south US I think] where she grows shoes? Apparently she lives in town in a somewhat quaint neighborhood with a fenced postage stamp sized yard. One day several years ago, she discovered a shoe in her yard and stuck it on a stick thinking the owner might see it and claim it. You can pretty well guess what happened after that. In a short amount of time, she had more shoes pitched into her yard. She has a lot of flowers growing as well as garden vegetables and interspersed throughout these plants, there are shoes everywhere on sticks. It certainly was something to see.
First of all…the legs are quite funny…No I do not have any in my garden,but I do have a large sign over my shed saying “Garden of Weedin’ ” Is that too tacky? NO WAY to silks,not even in my store…(or house). I gotta say though, the pink fall mums the neighbor planted in the pink toilet on her back porch were a “sight to see” (large OMG here..
Hello from MO
Funny post, Doug. But I don’t think most people aspire to have a “great” garden a la Sissinghurst, etc. They’re just having fun with what other people might call junk. For noteworthy examples, see Jill Nokes’s sympathetic look at collector-types who fill their yards with junkyard art in “Yard Art and Handmade Places”.
I think it all depends on the context. In South Austin, which prides itself on being weird—yeah, all this stuff would fit right in, ESPECIALLY the upside down legs. In my own garden, I content myself with a bottle tree and scrap-metal mariachis, well aware that many would consider them junk. But I love ‘em anyway.
I’m with you on the silk flowers though.
I really believe it depends on the individual. If its done properly, a garden can be a great place to sit and enjoy life. Couple summers ago while camping, we ended up at one of our friend’s moms cabin. Her yard and garden had ornaments, birdbaths, decorative pieces of glass and stones, and it was gorgeous!!! The garden pictures you show that are “decorated” are just plain gross and “kitsch”, leading me to believe that its all a matter of either good or very poor taste!!
The teacup is actually a bird feeder design. I have seen that on craft sites labeled as a feeder. With that in mind it makes more sense to place it in the garden.
Hi Dougm first let me say I thorughly enjoy receiving your newsletters, and haven’t taken the time to thank you, so thank you Doug for al the hard work that goes into your site, much appreciated. I hestitate to post my thoughts but I have this thought that maybe says it all….what a boring world it would be if all people were the same. You will never see a silk flower even in my house! as far as I am concerned they shouldn’t be allowed to manufacture such a thing for sale even, nuff said about how I feel about anything not real…I add I feel that way about faux finishes such as painted bricks that aren’t the real thing, or making wood look as though it is marble. just a quirk I have.. As far as Garden ART goes I happen to love it! I think it has to be quality and not Walmart standard however, and I really prefer a look of turning something unusual and old into something new again and planting it, o rplacing it a garden as architecture, ex: an old enamel ware colandar brimming with stawberrry plants to accent a table, the drawers on an old enamel top table pulled open and overflowing with thyme and other herbs to pinch. In my garden is a porch post that is over 100 years old, a post from the back porch of my grandparents farm house before it was torn down, (I treasure my heritage within it) with a sqaure china plate, that once was my greatgrandmother, attached to the top of it…does it have purpose? YEs you bet it does…It reminds me every day of my roots and of those people and things, now long gone from this earth, that are part of why I am whom I am….Every moring when I feed the birds, the plate gets washed off gently and holds fresh clean water to warm in the sun…I heard you
WHY? for the butterflies. there is not a day that goes by that I do not see a butterfly, or a few on most days. stop by for a drink at it…I love my butterfly bath! I happen to work on a farm, which grows all local produce, and is a garden center as well. I am the head designer for the flower lot and garden shop, which is a historic chicken coop, (saved from demolishion when the farm it was on was sold to build million plus dollar homes on (NOW to that I say WHY? haah) We moved the coop, costly venture, fully renovated it, keeping its integrity intact of course, has orignial windows and chicken wire, Top windows that open to the inside and hook to the ceiling with hand carved hooks to hold them on the ceiling. IT WAS SO WELL WORTH the effort to salvage it and give it new life. I encourage people to make there gardens “an extension of their home”, to which I know you just cirnged with my using those words 
but a garden should suit the persons living style and have a personality all its own. It should be a place you want to go to to relax as well as work. How borign to see a garden that is nothing more than plants, shrubs, trees, and layer after layer each year of new mulch added, to the point there is no natural look any longer of earth beneath. Yes, I appreciate a tailored garden as well, and if I need that peace I enjoy a visit to a botanical garden and enjoy the pleasure of the day. I’m not downing a tailored garden-garden,or the personality of someone who that is their comfort zone, but I happen to think of my garden as a place that has a creative side and personality that no other garden you see will have the same, even being so much as a gardener there is room for indivisuality and expression of creativity. Sorry we disagree about this…but please Doug don’t; tell me that you only like a plate with the food plopped on, home style cookin and would have no aprreciation for a length of chive tied as a ribbon around fresh stemmed delicious asparagus, Its the added simple pleasures in my life that make it whole, like even taking time to make a plate look beautiful before serving it to someone. As to boots planted, I’d never buy a ceramic pair to plant (OH GAWD) but before I would throw out my old construction boots that I wore all summer last year everyday for work,,,Yes, I’d consider planting them and giving them new life, I might even sell them planted with a little tag that says “It takes a long time for a new friendship to feel as comfortable as an old pair of beloved garden boots.” That said I hope we will become gardening friends. You are a wealth of knowledge, you add humor to your writing often, you tell it like it is, and I like that you speak your mind. Hoping you can accept that i spoke mine about this discussion 
Deb, I’d like your cement worm. happy gardening to all, spring is soon here!
Carolyn in Virginia Beach, Va.
Hmmm … I am going to rethink the cutzy little things in my flower beds. I may have broken my own rule of only one ornament per bed. But will still do the tiny door at the base of the tree in the shade bed, with the miniature rake and shovel nearby. And I do like the little frog that peers from behind the spreading juniper by the front door. Oh yes, and the little green gecko that sorta visits different containers all year long. However gazing balls have never been my thing nor anything else visible from 10 feet away, unless it will grow a nice bunch of flowers. Will report on Indianapolis Flower and Patio show after next weekend.
Wow! Some great responses and I’m delighted. As I said in the third post from the top, every gardener gets to create a garden that makes sense to them, that speaks to them, and to be the ultimate judge of it.
And you guys have been clear about what speaks to you.
I love the fact that we all care enough about our gardens (whatever and however they are set up) to speak up for them.
And differences in opinion make horse races. Whether it’s Charlotte and asparagus wrapped with chives and old henhouses, Pam’s bottle-tree (good thing I didn’t use that picture) and yet, we seem to agree on the need to avoid silk flowers.
And for the record, I do have some statues in my garden – things I’ve made or purchased. But no signs – tacky or otherwise.
Isn’t it fun though?
I think a bit of individuality in the garden can be a good thing. While I don’t have things I find tacky in my garden, you might wonder at my modest collection of 3 black bunnies, as a tribute to a fond family pet. They don’t hop out at you, but if you look closely, you might notice one or two of them, peeking out from, or hiding under a shrub.
As to silks, while in general I agree they have no place in a well-worked garden, I have a sister who is no longer able to work in her garden. Long gone are the days she had a huge vegetable garden where she grew the most lovely tomatoes, and many lovely flowerbeds. Today, sod has replaced the garden and stone has had to replace most of the beds, as she cannot manage weeding, and on a fixed pension she cannot afford to have someone do it for her. But she does fill her containers with artificial flowers, and places them where they can be viewed from a distance. She can still manage to arrange the containers and removes any artificial flowers/greens that become faded. They all disappear after the first hard frost. But in the meantime, it gives her pleasure to look out her windows, or sit on her patio and enjoy some colour in her yard. She has had to give up so much of what she enjoys in life, due to a debilitating disease, that I admire her arrangements whenever I go to visit. Perhaps some of her neighbors who are unaware of her condition find her silks offensive, but I say, if they give her pleasure, they are the right thing to do.
The stuff we are talking about actually has a name, “Garden Junk” and is a category on some of the older, big garden forums. I admit to being a garden junk hypocrite – I love to see what other people are making and putting in their landscapes but I just don’t want it in my own garden. Yikes is this a form of voyeurism?
Jan
Jan – yes, it’s called being a Hortivoy or suffering from hortivoyitis Sorry you’ve succumbed.
Hi Carolyn in Virginia Beach….My parents live in Fayetteville, NC.
I’ve been to Va. Beach several times. Took my (at the time) 3 boys there on Christmas Eve about 6 years ago. They had never been to the ocean. I was pregnant with the 4th then. All are under 12 and they still talk about it. I live the plants/herbs in the dresser drawers idea. Saw that awhile back in one of the Hort. trade magazines. (heavy sigh) don’t ‘ya just love plants?
Greetings from a “Hostaholic” in MO….
The examples you gave are pretty much “2003″ — five years outdated. Most of us garden junk aficionadoes have moved on to 5 tons of limestone rock, greenhouses built of recyled
windows, rustic cedar trellis work or other grand garden statements.
I did make a tiny sign for the compost heap. I painted “Compost Happens” on a recycled fan blade.
Jean
The things you’re talking about were also popular back in the 60-70′s with the back-to-the-land crowd. What goes around etc. As for those pics and things, those were actually seen (as I say in my note) at very real garden shows this spring. Never mind back “in the day”. 
Uh, oh, I think I may be guilty of giving my mom the cup and saucer thing. Oops… I agree, too much can be a bad thing…but a piece of garden art placed here or there can be whimsical and fun. My least favorite decorative item are these garden flags that have pictures of cats or flowers or other “cute” items…