Things a Garden Writer Shouldn’t Say
It seems to me that there are things that should remain unsaid in the garden writing and garden center world. So – what better thing to do than say them? Here are a few things that might have been thought but never spoken or written. And most certainly not to readers of this blog by me. 
You did *what* to that plant? And you expect it to live?
Yes, you understand you have to water the plant, yes, you understand you have to feed the plant – you didn’t do either. So what is it that you want me to tell you? Why it died? Right.
You hate bugs but you want a large country place so you can have a big garden. Let me suggest you move to Manhattan, somewhere on the 25th floor should do it.
What part of “green side up” did you not understand?
Yes that palm tree will grow in Minnesota. For about 3 months starting in June.
What’s eating your plants? How should I know – it’s the Internet and you didn’t even tell me what plant was being eaten. All I know if it’s broccoli – we can eliminate George Bush.
Reading the instructions is too hard, you just want me to tell you what to do? Right.
You know you can’t water tulips heavily, but you want to grow annuals over top of them, you don’t want to dig the bulbs up and you want me to tell you how to bend Mother Nature’s rules? Really? Have you asked her?
Why can’t I solve your problems? Because they’re your problems.
Yeah, I know organic gardening is hard to figure out – getting sick from chemical exposure is ever so much easier.
You want to garden organically and yet you want to know what will kill every insect in your garden because you hate bugs? Really?
You sprayed what!? On what?! For crying out loud, did you read the label?
An insecticide kills insects. A fungicide kills fungus. So nope, spraying a fungicide on an insect isn’t going to kill it – all it will do is ensure the insect doesn’t have athlete’s foot.
Why did your plant die? It didn’t die, it just took a look at the gardener and committed suicide.
Your turn…
You’ve planted an entire row of Hybrid Tea roses, and you don’t want to spray for blackspot? In Oklahoma? How about disease resistant landscape roses? Oh, you don’t like them? Then, hush and get out the mask.
Oh, Doug, this is fun.~~Dee
Brilliant! I especially liked the George Bush/broccoli line.
I also get a bit peeved with squeamish gardeners who can’t smush a bug with their (gloved hand), their foot, or even a rock. Or who don’t like “getting dirty”.
mss @ Zanthan Gardenss last blog post..Twitter Storm
You want a no-maintenance garden? It’s spelled C-O-N-C-R-E-T-E!
Maries last blog post..Coleus Again
Plant in Good Rich Gardening Soil? Where in the universe do you get this all purpose Gardening Soil that is good for all plants.
John
John at JWLWs last blog post..GOOD USE OF LOGS II
Oh, you want a shrub that will stay the same size with no pruning, bloom all year, not need water, and will thrive in either sun or shade since you can’t remember which direction your front door faces? Have you looked into plastic plants?
Genevieves last blog post..Is Landscape Fabric/ Weed Barrier Right for You?
You guys are great – love it. From concrete to that mythical plant that blooms all summer with no care and is hardy and floriferous in every climate zone including USDA zone 2.
@mss @ Zanthan Gardens -
yeah, I never got to the “dirty” gardeners. LOL
@Dee -
How about “you don’t like them?” Shrug.
Keep it coming. I love it !! Now, on a serious note:
Organic Gardening?
Simple: do not use chemicals (it will only take 2-3 years for the fishing worms to return and enrich your soil).
Mulch, using leaves (from the whole neighborhood if possible), get a little shredder for all the limbs and trimmings instead of putting them out for the trash, and make your own compost even if it is just that overabundance of leaves you collected.
Know thy enemies. If you can cuddle a kitten, you can carefully move that yucky big green worm with the black stripes and yellow polka dots to another location. He will reward you later and flutter by in the form of a lovely butterfly. And that big green worm eating your tomatoes – pretend he is an ant on the kitchen counter: squish him. The Japanese beetles? Get a popsicle stick and flick them into an empty peach can with soap and water in it. After all, no one wants a dirty bug around.
Inform thyself. If you can read this blog, you can research ANYTHING on the web. As hard as it is to believe, Darling Doug doesn’t know everything.
Last, but not least: study the sun light and shadow in your garden. That is the only way to make a guess on the type of plant. And ask your neighbor which direction North is.
Well, like many people, I would like to be a writer, but could never write enough on any subject to make a book.
Here’s mine. Why, when I plant a row of seeds in good dirt, do I go out the next day and see nothing sprouting? Huh, huh?
@Jean Gogolin -
Jean – aren’t seeds supposed to sprout right away?
@Lorra -
My Dear Lorra – as much as I love having you make comments on the blog – there are a few serious errors in your post.
1) “Now, on a serious note” Lorra, Lorra, Lorra, it is impossible to be serious about this post but I give you your due – you tried mightily.
2) “Darling Doug doesn’t know everything” This is an egregious misstatement if there ever was one. D.D. does indeed know everything and proves it time and time again right here on these pages. Good grief – this is exactly the kind of thing I was posting about. Sigh….
3) Lorra, everybody knows which way North is – all you have to do is watch Santa leave – he’ll show you the way home.
with all my best wishes –
Your friend
Doug
p.s. most authors can’t write enough to fill a book – that’s why there’s so much b.s. in most of them. The good authors can take one single idea and fill an entire book with it.
But that’s a secret best kept between we writers/bloggers/commentators dontchathink?
p.p.s. so when are you starting your own book? or blog?
My favorite – “I planted all the recommended plants for a butterfly garden and even nuked the garden to get rid of those icky caterpillars. Why don’t I have any butterflies?”
Jan
@prairiepetunia -
Oh yeah, I’ve had that or variations on that one.
Whada mean? I tho’t THIS was my blog !!
Can’t write a book. After reading your reply I have come to the conclusion that I do not possess the vast vocabulary necessary to create a tome.
See ya later. It just stopped raining so must go out and turn off the sprinklers.
@Lorra -
Well, you can borrow it for a while every now and then if you like – and as for vocabulary, bs baffles brains any day.
“Cherry trees in South Texas for shade? Oh, yes, that’s a worthwhile investment. NOT”
P.Prices last blog post..Roadside Foodies
@P.Price -
You Texas gals are hard on plants for sure.
Doug…you made my day Now that was funny! Thanks!
@Dianne -
Funny? Heck we were serious.
Love this post and thread of comments — as a (garden) educator, my favorite is a variant on Jan’s.
A Master Gardener in a Butterfly Gardening program asked me why she didn’t have any butterflies in her garden. It turned out she grew lots of hybrid roses, frequently dusted with insectides (hello?)
Lisas last blog post..Eastern Cottontail rabbit
@Lisa -
Riiiight.
Don’t know where else to post this but have to vent. My mother is 81 and complaining that between work and home I have more gardens then some parks. She wants me to put down plastic with white stones on top. Oooooooh! You can’t argue with your mother(with mine it is not worth it) but still.
We’ve all heard, “I want a tree that grows really fast. Problems? It doesn’t really matter. I probably won’t live here in 10 years anyway.” (I always hope they do remain long enough to “enjoy” that Paulownia tomentosa.) Same thing with ground covers. I live in a neighborhood of Victorian row houses. We have tiny plots of soil in the front. I explained to one neighbor what he was getting into with English ivy, but he didn’t listen. Less than two years later, the stuff is growing into the plot next door.
Judy Lowe/Diggin’ Its last blog post..In Maine, and other states, local fare is on the Fourth of July menu
@Judy Lowe/Diggin’ It -
The first ignored, the second fantasy.
Judy – the “don’t listen” advice stuff sometimes comes with the “I can control it” statement.
“I want a garden that requires no care.” Oh, really? Then why are you gardening? Isn’t that part of the fun?
Love this, Doug, especially your last line. Suicide…LOLOLOL.
@Kylee – yeah, many of us have heard a lot of these lines – one way or t’other.